Happy Hour(s) In The ER (I'm Fine)

Want to know how long it’s been since I’ve been to an emergency room?

Husband, driving up D19 to Howell: So, where am I going?

Me: How the hell do I know?

I should jump in here and say, I am FINE. I was, theoretically, fine throughout this entire episode. After staining balusters and handrails on my deck for a few hours, I decide to clean up and head to Brighton for some routine lab work ahead of a routine medical appointment next week. Got my blood drawn, stopped at Meijer, went to Lowe’s, headed home - and was impressed to find my test results had already landed in my medical portal.

Then all hell broke loose. I was just looking at the results, thinking “Damn, Doc is NOT going to like that potassium number” and I get a call from the doctor’s office that I needed to head to ER.

Me: What? Why?

Nurse: Well, your potassium is 2.8 and at 2.5 people go into cardiac arrest.

Me: Oh.

Nurse: Make sure someone drives you.

My doctor also checked in, was encouraged that I “sounded chipper enough” and thought maybe this was a false test result.

It wasn’t. Second test at ER came back at 2.6. And I already take a potassium supplement daily <insert long boring medical story but, you know, reasons and not a big deal>.

By this time, it is after 8 and I had been there for 2 hours. On one side of my curtained space was an elderly gentleman with some obvious breathing issues and either a very vivid and active dreamscape or some dementia, or maybe both. On the other side, a woman had drenched herself in enough perfume that I considered asking for a respirator mask.

Elderly neighbor <snores, snorts, pulls out his oxygen, alarms go off>: I HAVE LIVE TRAPS IN THE BASEMENT! WE CAN TRAP THEM AND HAUL THEM OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE…

Perfumed lady, on phone with a relative: I told them I needed my phone because you would be calling, and if I didn’t answer you would be calling the IRS and the CIA!

Elderly neighbor <snores, snorts, pulls out his oxygen, alarms go off>: IS IT COLD OUTSIDE? IT WON’T WORK IF IT’S TOO COLD. DAMN IT. SHIT.

Perfumed lady, to nurse: Will it hurt? Nurse: Well, it IS a shot.

For. Three. Hours.

There truly is no medical privacy in ER, HIPAA be damned. Luckily (?) for me, I needed like 4 gallons of potassium and they decided they could move me to observation for the 4 hours that would take.

Note: potassium via IV sets your veins ON FIRE OMG

Also note, for all you medical folks: it was not 4 gallons really, but it was 4 sacks, and they did add saline to put the fire out, but damn. Someone needs to figure that out - after they figure out squish-free mammograms.

And while the ER was being, well, the ER - they were also on high alert as rumors circulated of busloads of yahoos coming into town to “participate” in the peaceful protests that were occuring a few blocks away. Officers were periodically checking with ER desk staff, and hanging out, but up to about 9 pm, I did not notice any increased activity.

The observation unit was a zen oasis by comparison - it helped that I was the only patient there, and had a 1:1 nurse/patient ratio. Applying the classic “you do not got to the hospital to rest” rule, I was jolted from any napping every hour as my IV would sound the alarm that I need another sack of juice.

I finally got sprung at about 1:30 am after another blood draw and a normal range result.

But I find myself wondering if my elderly ER neighbor ever set his live traps. And what, exactly, wasn’t working because it was too cold outside.