Friends Do Not Send Friends to The Grommet

My (now-former) friend Mona Shand directed my attention to the latest in avocado-ripening technology today, despite the fact that I am THAT PERSON who generously offers any avocado found on my plate to appreciative dining companions.

Apparently what all you avocado-aficionados really need is a $17 Avocado Sock for your avocado ripening needs. It sounds a bit…risque, doesn’t it? I mean, “avocado sock”…and the photo…

The description just adds to the hilarity - “Ripen avocados fast with an adorably small sock (yes, a sock) made just for the job. The Avocado Sock is made from pure Shetland wool that helps move along the ripening process, thanks to its natural lanolin and cozy warmth. It’s scaled to snugly fit an avocado as it gently and evenly encourages ripening in about 48 hours and makes for a super-cute addition to the kitchen counter or fruit bowl.”

Oh. My. God. “…it gently and evenly encourages ripening…” WHO WROTE THIS. It’s Gwyneth, right? “…natural lanolin and cozy warmth…”, “…scaled to snugly fit an avocado…”, “…properly prepares your avocado for insertion into your…” OOPS - or should I say GOOPS - it doesn’t actually say that last thing. Honest mistake, though, right?

Turns out, the Avocado Sock is not the only pricey and unnecessary item to be found on The Grommet, a site devoted to helping you “discover and shop innovative new products from local Makers and small businesses. We spend thousands of hours searching for unique finds - and helping the people behind them succeed.” The Grommet claims you will find “amazing gifts they’ve never seen” and, wow, they really mean it.

You can get this handy and not-at-all wasteful Personal Pill Pack System, which seems to entail separating your daily meds into a dispenser AND THEN, pouring each compartment into a little plastic pouch AND THEN sealing each pouch. This system makes it easier to toss your meds in a drawer and forget about them (not kidding, the description really says that)(well, except for the forgetting about them part). I am sure if you ever get stopped by airport security, these little baggies will not look AT ALL like contraband.

It was all fun and games as I scroll along, chuckling at hard-boiled egg peelers, and table-top horse racing, UNTIL…I got to the Women’s Pelvic Floor Trainer , $139.

I think I know which part goes where…(screenshot from The Grommet)

It’s…a smart device. I CAN’T EVEN. WTF.

And that shape. Like how…what is that tail for…why would anyone…<gazes into distance>…<alternate uses pop into brain, unsolicited and unwanted>…<cleans tea from keyboard. Again.>

This waterproof 100% medical-grade silicon device (no free shipping and - surprise! - no returns!) is connected to an app “that provides feedback (and encouragement)” and I do not even want to speculate. Yes I do. Your phone will be chatting with your vagina. This is the world we live in now.

I want to know what kind of inspirational messaging is involved. Like - “Keep up the good work, <your vagina secret name>! One more squeeze, now, there’s a good girl!” Or - “One more kegel, you goddess, and you will beat last week’s record!”

And then there’s the storing of…vagina data?… in an app. Now there’s a privacy policy I would scrutinize.

Dear reader, there is so much here…I hesitate to insist you click the link but OMG CLICK THE LINK. You can unfriend me later.