Restless and Bored in the Rite Aid

A little background - I somehow contracted a case of pinkeye (I know, that is NOT where you thought this post was going, did you? But give me a minute here.). This meant I was at the local Rite Aid to pick up prescription eye drops. I got the usual "20 minute wait" advice, and I don't know about your Rite Aid, but my Rite Aid has a 1:2 ratio on time, so 20=40.

Forty minutes is way too much time to hang out in a Rite Aid. You wander around and start to LOOK at stuff. Like the "diagnostics" aisle.

At first, I glanced down the aisle and thought, "Oh diagnostics, that's all the testing kits," and then I looked again and thought "Huh, pregnancy tests are diagnostics now. How...clinical." and then I REALLY looked, and started to laugh. Out loud, in the Rite Aid.

I am unsure what, exactly, is being diagnosed by using personal lubricant. Or the condoms on the shelves below.

But wait! It gets even better!

Climax Control SPRAY.

I am now standing in the "diagnostics" aisle in the local Rite Aid, laughing so hard I thought the goopy pinkeye would morph into a monster eyeball and fall right out of my head. WTF.

I mean, if you ever thought the condom-wrassling pause was a romance-stealer, can you imagine? And it's a spray, and...I have to go find a tissue, my nose is running because, laughing OMG.

Right. Where was I? And it's $80, man! And I don't understand what this even is. Some kind of super glue? So, I did what anyone would do, and I turned to the Internet.

Promescent allows you to adjust the sensitivity of some nerves while maintaining next-to-normal sensitivity. It puts you in control, so you have a say when that almighty orgasm comes. Of course, science would say an erect penis is usually a sensitive penis. But in the bedroom, it’s all about giving a guy some extra help, and taking a tiny bit of the edge off, so to speak.

I'll wait until you can manage to get past the "almighty orgasm" part.

A bit more searching on their website and yeah, basically, you are spraying lidocaine on your dick. Seriously. But apparently, not TOO much lidocaine, because...well, equipment failure.

Bringing Promescent – our patented lidocaine topical spray – into your sex life allows you and your partner to make love longer. The key is all in the experimenting. A great thing about Promescent is that it lets you and your partner play around with how many sprays you need to use, so you can find your perfect dosage...The short waiting period after application makes a great opportunity for some foreplay.

Experimentation! How fun! With a spray. Presumably in bed, in close quarters with another person, and possibly a cat at the foot of the bed. NOTHING COULD GO WRONG HERE.

For those interested in the Orgasm Gap, "Let's Talk Size" ("History has always insisted bigger is better, but hey, look what happened to the Titanic" Yes, that IS a quote.), and other snippets (ha, sorry) of information, the website is here.

Clearly, I should not be allowed that much time in Rite Aid. But if you ever need a soul-cleansing laughing jag, don't discount the potential to be found in the aisles of your local drugstore. Especially right before Election Day.