The 50 Shades of Grey Teddy Bear, Limited Edition

I read the book (see what I thought). I will not watch the movie. I mean, I have limits, people. BUT THE BEAR NOW....that could be a different story.

Yes, there really is a 50 Shades of Grey Teddy Bear, Limited Edition, from the deceptively wholesome Vermont Teddy Bear Company. And he has ACCESSORIES. Because sex and bondage and BEARS. Right? And Valentine's Day.

In his stylish pinstriped suit, handcuffs dangling from one...paw, and a pretty damn fancy Mardi Gras-type mask in the other, this bear just screams "bear porn." And in a description guaranteed to never, ever have been used to describe a stuffed bear - or any stuffed animal - this guy features "smoldering eyes," sure to make all the girls, and maybe the guys too, bite their lips in anticipation.

Hoo-boy. I may need a Bear Counselor (1-800-829-BEAR)(that's a for-real phone number, I kid you not) to help me deal with all the horrible thoughts I should not be thinking about bears and the Vermont Teddy Bear Company, because these are not the innocent bear purveyors of yesteryear. This is the company that brings you the Let's Get Bear Naked Bear (who "almost let's it all hang out"), vampire bears (with removable fangs), as well as various tattooed bears like the Heart Throb Bear, in his white silk boxers.

The Christian Grey bear is $90, and also includes gourmet chocolates and a personalized gift card, but, alas, does not seem to come with any adult-sized handcuffs, masks, ropes, hoods, pulleys, clamps or other assorted implements from the book.

And he is not suitable for small children. Because "small parts." <cough>